Mental

Mental

Mental
-----------------------
During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the smart-arsed visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
Arthritis

Arthritis

Arthritis
------------------------
A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,'
then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man
and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does. 

Beneath Still Waters. -- Uche Duru




Beneath Still Waters I stood.
In luminous visions beyond my lens.
The world in jumbles i saw.
To the muddle of killings, I twitched.
To untruths in truths, my ears ooze.
To the tenderfoot, my hands stiff.
To the casualties, I blub.
To the swindled, my heart raced.
Right there I stood.
Beneath Still Waters, like a statue.
To scream is forbidden.
To scream is to drown.
I stood there and watched.
The phase-out of humanity.
In silence i saw.
In lucent visions beyond my lens .
I stood in silence and stare.
Beneath Still Waters.

Beneath Still Waters. -- Ojo Olayinka Peters



We shared something so common
Yet sometimes so rare
All came true
My dream and my fear
There is a meow in your every step
I love your cat walks
Your smile could cause an eclipse
More a delight is the taste of your lips
The movement behind you is like landslide
Sequential in every glide
I'm training my eyes to be godly
Why won't i stare at a godess?
Beneath still waters
My eyes still water
The dead sea in the eyes of the living
What could be saltier?
Wish you never left
What could be loftier?
I'm no longer part of your school
Rusticated?
Where i fit in the drama is where i play the fool
How did i suddenly fall out of class?
I walk bowed like grass
Water stands like glass when i bathe
The silence is high-pitched like brass
There is more to you than meet the eyes
A tip of the ice berge
I lie in d ocean bed submerged
Used to feel like a hero
Now i'm left sub-zero
Beneath the still waters
My heart beat falters
Maybe a miracle would bring life back to me
Maybe a kiss of life will do
But i remain frozen in time
If any cartoon will give you a clue
You can tune in for ice age
That ticking clock in glue is my age.

By Ynaxea Kingsdroid
Beer Festival

Beer Festival

Beer Festival ------------------------
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Apologia!

By Uche Duru 




Sometimes I hurt
And you too I hurt
So I wanna apologize.
For everything I have done .
The things I am doing.
And the things I will yet do. 



I am sorry am a wacky fellow.
One who didn't tell when you wrong.
I am sorry I am placid.
Never giving the vibe to make you active.
I am sorry for the quietness.
The talklessness and thoughtlessness.
The churlishness and boorishness.
I am sorry I hurt you
With words and silence I cut you.
With arrogance I broke you.
I took a bus ride to Gusau.
And left you right beside me .
I took the ladder of your feet.
On the rooftop with nothing to climb.
I watched you reach me in the dark.
Your hands searching but my eyes closed.
I saw care in your words.
Emotions in your thoughts.
I know it's hurting,
Both I and you.
I am sorry for the honesty.
King Arthur

King Arthur

King Arthur -----------------------
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.
The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now . . . what is the moral to this story?

The moral is . . .
Just let a woman have her own way . . .
And things won't  get ugly!